Am I the Ninth Leper or the Tenth?

The past couple of weeks I have been kind of down. I wrote an email to my mother, expressing my frustrations. These frustrations, which have been the result of several months, are frustrations I'm sure many people have felt. These frustrations, combined with much reflection, have been the result of some interesting realizations, that have helped me grow closer to my Savior and understand His life more fully. I have included a portion of my email to my mother in this blog to explain my frustrations:

"I hate that I give and give and give and allow people to use me. Over and over and over people ask for favors or I volunteer to help people, or fill the needs of others. Rarely do I even get a thank you. And even more rare is it that someone returns the favor. I cannot count the number of times I've been a shoulder to cry on, listened and given advice, helped with homework, prepared meals, given an egg or a cup of sugar, helped people move, let people borrow wrenches or screwdrivers or my vacuum or blender or tape or whatever else, times I've visited sick people, and on and on and on. And I love serving. I really do. It makes me more happy than almost anything else I do. But it's getting old, and because all of these relationships with people have such a low interest and return rate, I'm running low. ...How tired I am of people who only come around when they need something... I know that that 3am phone call or whatever is a huge compliment, but I hate how selfish people are. One friend I talked to about it said that it's just how people are - humans want convenience, and it's not intentional. He's right. But that doesn't make it okay. What has happened to society that everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see past the ends of their noses? That people take and take and take and never give back. I think I'm too nice. I keep getting used. But at the same time, how can I not give? I know what it feels like to be sick. I know what it's like to be lonely. I know what it's like to be in so much pain that you wish you were dead. I know how it feels when there is no one to talk to...or when you just don't have money for groceries, and so you live on a packet of oatmeal and half a can of soup. And because I know what those things feel like, how can I sit idly by and let others feel that way? 

Last fall, a guy came up to me at church and wanted to know how I was doing. He said, "On Thursday I was thinking about stopping by, but I figured you'd be busy, and didn't really have a reason to come by, so I didn't." I wanted to slap him. The day he mentioned had been a particularly bad day. I wanted to yell, "That was a spiritual impression. It was revelation, you idiot. I prayed and prayed and prayed that someone would knock on the door. I had a horrible night. And you were prompted and didn't listen." I don't want to be that person. So I keep giving and helping. There has to be a balance somewhere though. Because I'm giving and giving, and it makes me feel good, but at the same time, I'm starting to feel emotionally exhausted. 

I'm understanding how lonely the Savior must have felt. He did everything for everyone. But how often did someone do something for him? Where in the scriptures are records of someone voluntarily serving him? His mother and Joseph loved him - they looked for Him when He was in the temple and missing from them, and that's an act of service. A leper once thanked Him. Martha and Mary cooked for him once or twice, I'm sure. But really, when did someone come to Him and take an initiative? Was He always the instigator? What a lonely life that is - to be so hated and so loved that you only exist when someone needs you. Because you are incredibly dependable and helpful. And yet, they don't see that maybe service is needed on the other side as well."

I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. And while it hurts to feel like I'm not wanted except in time of need, it has enhanced my understanding of the Savior and has helped me to feel closer to Him. I also feel the need to emphasize that I will not stop giving. I will continue to give as much as is in my power. Because like I said earlier, I know what it feels like to be in need, so how can I not give? How can I stand by and allow others to feel that way when there is something I could do to stop it?

I then realized, if the Savior, who has given me everything, who atoned and died for me, has felt alone and unwanted, how often have I done the same thing to Him? How often have I ignored Him, abandoned Him, and only used Him? How often have I been one of the nine lepers instead of the tenth? How many times has He rescued me when I have felt completely lost, alone and hopeless, and I didn't return the favor or even say thank you. And still, despite my selfishness and ingratitude, He continued to lift and carry me. He still granted me tender mercies. He has been a best friend to me when I have been a stranger to Him.

Mosiah 2:17 states that "when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." I am not a perfect person, but I can serve. That I can do. Service can feel lonely. We can feel like we're being used, aren't really wanted and are unappreciated, and that's normal. But serving God's children is one way that we can serve Him and express gratitude for all that He has done for us. So I don't know about you, but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep serving. Because I love Him, and I know that He loves all of His children. And He needs me. He needs all of us. He needs us to serve and take care of each other. We can be the tender mercies of those around us. We owe it to Him and to ourselves. I don't want to be the ninth leper anymore. I want to be the tenth. And because I am in control of my life, I can be.

I'm Not Going to Apologize for the Creation of Me!

Recently my friend Melissa wrote a post on her blog. She titled it "My Non-Apology Letter". You can read it here: http://ldslissa.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-non-apology-letter.html. She has some great thoughts that I think we can all apply to our lives. Today, I am partially responding to her post, and expanding on some of my own thoughts.

I believe that every day, we either create or destroy. A part of our genetic makeup and divine potential is our ability to create. Ultimately, it is our purpose on earth. We create homes, families, careers, titles, technology, methods for survival, entertainment, and a host of other things. Most importantly, we create ourselves. It's true. More than discovering ourselves, we create ourselves. Which brings me to a thought...surround yourself with people who accept you as you are!

A few months before my relationship with Richard began, I was interested in a young man. To be discreet, I'll call him Sam. We had been on a few dates, and I thought we really clicked. I felt very comfortable around Sam, and he seemed to be pretty comfortable around me. Our dates usually had a good balance of serious, deep discussion, and comical and amusing conversation. I thought there was a good chance that he was interested in me, and I was interested in him. And then he fell off the face of the earth. 

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks, and thought this was strange. Being friends with one of Sam's roommates, I asked him about it. His roommate told me that Sam was interested, but that he was also intimidated by me because I expressed myself very well, and was a pretty passionate person. He suggested that I try to be a little more...soft, for lack of a better word. I thought this was decent advice. Sometimes I come off as harsh when I only mean to be passionate and excited, and so I tried this, and asked Sam on another date. Come to find out, he had thought that I was older than he was (and consequently five years older than I actually am), and that too had intimidated him. Our date went very well. He held my hand and was a perfect gentleman and I was pretty ladylike. 

Before I continue, let it be understood that Sam is a really kind, fun, wonderful person. He wasn't controlling or critical or requiring me to change. We just didn't fit, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Richard and I started dating, and one day, out of the blue he said, "You know what my favorite thing about you is?

"No, what?"

"You're terrifying."

Usually being called terrifying is not a compliment. But he meant it to be, and this peaked my curiosity so I asked him to explain.

"I never know what you're going to do. You terrify me.
You're incredibly unpredictable and it's so exciting. I love that I never know what you're going to do. It's fun. You keep me guessing."

Richard accepts me as I am, and he always has. 

I have other friends who accept me as I am too, which is a huge blessing. The point is, because we create ourselves, we should take enough pride in ourselves to be confident in who we are, and don't need to change just because we want to "fit" with another person or a group of people. As we create ourselves, it is important that we create someone that we are proud of, and that we surround ourselves with people who think we're worth time and effort. These social interactions make us happier, boost our confidence, and encourage us to be better, instead of pressuring us to change. While we can always improve ourselves, and the people around us can help us do so, feeling pressured to change, or feeling that we have to apologize for being who we are can poison our spirits and prevent us from creating ourselves.

So, like my dear friend Melissa, I'm going to not apologize for being who I am. Because while I'm not perfect, I am pretty great. And I am worth a lot. Let me tell you who I am. I am a passionate, energetic young woman. I am innovative, perceptive and insightful. I love to learn new things. I am very excited to be a mom...whenever that day comes. I am deeply afraid of being used and betrayed, but I will give someone in need everything I can. Helping people fills the emptiness in my life and makes me incredibly happy. I am not afraid of emotions, and I am a lady. I expect to be treated as a lady. I love classic films. I love music. I love to dance. And I love to laugh. In many ways, I'm like a five year old kid. I love ice cream and grass and the sky and making cookies and dancing in the rain.  

Mostly though, I'm a girl who is doing the best she can. I'm a daughter of my Heavenly Father. And I'm proud of all of it. 

Investing in Others

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately - not just the romantic ones. I mean all relationships: familial, friendly, platonic, etc. We all have many relationships, whether positive, negative or neutral. We build relationships with members of our family, those we work with, our friends, and a vast number of other people.

I have learned that life is more about the relationships that we build than the things we do. My grandfather sends me lots of letters. I love opening the mailbox to see and envelope from him. In a letter he wrote a few months ago he talked about how he is getting old and knows that his body is preparing to die. In reflecting on this knowledge, he said he realizes that he will really leave nothing behind but memories. He expressed to me a hope that the memories he leaves will be positive ones, rather than negative, and that the memories will be valuable enough that people will actually remember him beyond his funeral.

I began thinking about this more deeply, and it has not left me. Sure, my job is important. My education is equally, if not more critical. Eating healthy and exercising, getting enough sleep, grocery shopping, laundry and all of those other things on our to-do list are also important. But what really matters is the relationships that we develop. Because those create memories. Those create an impact.

My grandpa fears that when he goes, no one will mind - that nothing he has done has really made a lasting impact. I worry about that too. And I'm convinced that everyone else has felt that at some point in their lives as well.

In trying to make relationships a higher priority, I have had to open myself up to people more. I am not perfect at it by any means. But I am investing more in others. Sometimes this gets me hurt - that's what happens when we open ourselves up to people. It isn't always received as we hope. But that's okay because it means we're trying.

I'll be honest. As I have invested more of myself into people, I have at times, felt taken advantage of. Sometimes I feel used. But there are moments that are worth all of it. Because eventually someone says "thank you" or "I was thinking about you" or "can you give me some advice" or "I need someone to talk to", and those moments mean everything to me. They are worth more than my paycheck, or that GPA, or the laundry and dishes being finished before one in the morning.

So I want to share with you a video that inspired me. I hope that it will inspire everyone to invest a little more into those around them.

I promise that as we invest more into the lives of others, our lives will be enriched. We will have more confidence, less loneliness, more love and greater peace. I have felt it in my life.

A Journey

A little over a year and a half ago, I learned that I had to have my hips operated on. I can remember how I felt. I had seen four or five specialists in several months prior, had had multiple X-rays, and MRI arthrogram, physical therapy, and a number of other treatments and attempts at providing me relief and a solution. I remember how devastated I felt when I found out that I had to have two PAOs. I was so confused. But I have learned and grown tremendously over the last eighteen months. My life has been richly blessed and my perspective broadened. I still feel pain sometimes, and when I've done too much, I walk with a limp. The last year has been long and painful, but if given the chance, I wouldn't let anyone take it from me. This trial changed my life.

I recently made a list of everything I learned in the past year. I found forty-three general things. If I were to break all of them down, I would probably hold the record for the longest blog post, and I don't think anyone honestly really wants to read that.

I am so thankful for all of the experiences I had and for who I have become and am continuing to become because of my experiences. It's funny what becoming helpless will teach you if you let it.

Here's the most important thing:
I have not discovered myself. I have created myself. And despite all of my remaining imperfections, I'm pretty happy with the process so far. I am so excited to see what the rest of my future will bring and how I will continue to create myself as I choose to learn and grow and let others into my life. Life is so indescribably beautiful and I am so thankful for the trials I have had. They have proven to be incredible opportunities and thinking about everything I have gained fills my heart greatly.

I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows me and exactly what I need to create myself and become the person that I am meant to be. I am thankful that He allows me to experience hard things, and that His guiding hand is in every aspect of my life to help me achieve and conquer.

This journey has been a long one, and it certainly has not been easy. But it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

PAO Animation

I found this animated version of my surgery, which helps to explain things so much better! There are ten short parts to the animation, and each is about one minute. If you don't have ten minutes, parts 4-6 give you a pretty decent idea. Keep in mind however, that this version of the surgery is more advanced. It mentions putting wire into your hips and 2-3 screws. In mine, I have four screws as well.

 To view the video, just click the link below.

http://www.hss.edu/animation-PAO-periacetabular-osteotomy.htm

Thoughts on "Last Train to Nibroc": Bravery

Last evening, I did something very brave. It may not sound like much, but for me it was. I don't like to go to things alone because of the anxiety it gives me. I mean sure, I can go to a grocery store or buy a pair of jeans by myself. I don't get nervous when I go in for a job interview, or when I have to make a presentation in a class. But being alone in a crowd is terrifying for me.

I had a friend in the cast, Tyler Hatch. He invited me to go, and I was hesitant. Because I used to perform all the time, I know how great it feels to know that there are people in the audience who are there to support you. And so I wanted to go and be a supportive friend. But I didn't want to go alone. I asked a several people if they would go with me, but didn't have a lot of luck. So I decided that I wasn't going to go. But Tyler is very persuasive when he wants to be, and convinced me to come anyway.

image taken from: http://arts.byu.edu/events/last-train-to-nibroc-2-1/

I walked into the Nelke Theatre pretty early so that I could sit where I wanted to and try to avoid people. I sat there, and as more and more people started to file in, my heart rate picked up. I began to sweat and my hands started to shake. I wondered why I was even there, trying to be "normal", allowing my body to react this way. I began to feel frustrated with myself. "You knew you couldn't handle it, but you came anyway. Why would you do that to yourself? You aren't strong enough." I almost started to cry. The other half of my argued, "I'm trying really hard here. Keep it together. I know this is a risk for me. But I'm trying." Finally, the play started and I was able to focus on that instead.

The performance was phenomenal. Tyler Hatch and his counterpart did an excellent job - everyone did. I was very impressed. The performance was engaging and dynamic. Sometimes it was even hard to watch because of the emotional tension. I do not say that to be disparaging. Because it's actually a compliment. It was honest. And as a society I don't think we are accustomed to such open honesty.

Last Train to Nibroc contained an interesting motif that especially spoke to me: bravery. The two characters talk about bravery - what it means to be brave - in a lengthy conversation, and then refer to it later. Their actions pattern the results of that conversation. This hit me especially hard because of the situation I found myself in. They talked about how little things can be seen as bravery. Things like going somewhere to find or do something. And in a way, that was me. I was being brave in being there - even though I was shaking and panicky. I was being brave. And that motif helped me through the rest of the show, and has since been the cause of much reflection.

I think what I took from this play, was that there are sometimes opportunities right under our noses. People, places and things present themselves in strange ways that aren't expected. And those people and places and things could change our lives if we would let them. But to let them, we have to take risks. We have to be brave and take a risk and do something about it, even if it might cost us. Because even though there is hurt on the way, there is a chance that there will be incredible joy on the other side. And that chance is worth the risk.

Developing a Sense of Self to Strengthen Relationships

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships. I don't mean romantic relationships exclusively. I am referring to relationships as a whole: friendly, romantic, familial and so on. When I scroll through Facebook, or listen to people passing by on campus, at church, or at the grocery store, I listen to all kinds of complaints about people they are in various forms of relationships with. And as I listen, I also see other cues: I see a lack of confidence in self. They seem so afraid to move forward boldly in their own lives - to take a stand and create their own future. Their sense of self is slight. And I believe that this is at the core of why their relationships suffer.

I am not being critical. I have compassion for these individuals. I also realize that I am somewhere on this road of self-discovery as well. In fact, I believe that there really is no end to that journey. We talk about adolescence and young adulthood being the time for people to "find out who they are", but I don't think we ever stop developing and learning about ourselves. At least, the successful person never does. 

While I am not being critical, I do think that it is something that needs attention - and we don't give it enough attention. We cannot have effective, long-lasting relationships if we do not understand ourselves and understand and utilize our own strengths and potential. 

If we do not understand who we are in a relationship, we can't stand strong in it - we cannot guide and direct ourselves as we ought, and so relationships change us too much. Maintaining relationships is difficult, and those that do not begin with a strong sense of self are almost guaranteed not to last and be happy.

I am not saying that if we have a sense of self every relationships will last. I am saying however, that when we have a strong sense of self, we know which relationships are worth fighting for and which ones are not. Just as importantly, we know how to fight for them and why we do.

So here is my recommendation: find out who you are, what you want and what you can do with your life. Continue to discover and create yourself. Let's build our relationships based on who we create ourselves to be, not on what we want others to give us.

I Love Temples

Today I was able to go to the LDS temple in Provo, Utah with my family. In the temple there is a sense of peace, safety, and hope. My two brothers and parents are in town for their spring break, and we decided to go and do baptismal work there as a family.

I went to the Jordan River temple last Saturday.  I had not attended the temple in quite some time, and I think I was expecting to have an earth shattering experience. I didn't. At all. I struggle with some pretty severe anxiety sometimes, and this was felt in the temple. I hadn't been to the temple in a while, and I was at a bigger temple than the one closest to home, and it was busier, and the layout was different, and there were more people, and the whole thing stressed me out. So I spent so much time praying to Heavenly Father to help me feel calm. And then I started thinking that it was all my fault. I thought this because the adversary cannot tempt us inside temples, and so all negative thought must come from me. This perception devastated me. I realize now that I have an imperfect body with an imperfect brain and that it wasn't "my fault". It's just the way it is.

But this morning when I woke up, I didn't want to go to the temple again. I thought, "I don't want to be disappointed again. I don't want to fail to feel the Spirit of peace that I used to feel in the Lord's house. But because my family was in town and I had no reason not to go outside of this, I decided to go with them. I had a surprisingly wonderful experience.

It was not earth shattering. But it was perfect.

Sitting in the temple next to my mom and brothers, watching my dad exercise his priesthood authority to bless the lives of others was such a wonderful experience, that so few are privy to. I am blessed beyond measure to have a family who I can worship Heavenly Father with.

I watched my youngest brother, and then my other younger brother be baptized by my father. They were each baptized for four individuals who had died. My mom was sitting next to me. We were all there together, unified in the work of Christ. I felt an overwhelming love for my family and a heightened understanding of the work we were doing for those on the other side. When my brothers had finished, I stepped in to the font and my dad baptized me for those on the other side in the same way that he had for my brothers. I felt a special connection with my dad - the same type of connection that I had had while sitting next to my mom, and while watching my brothers be baptized. I felt the love of the individuals that I was being baptized for, and a sense of gratitude from the other side. None of this was huge or overwhelming. It was quiet. If I had been talking, or distracted, I would have missed it. But that is the beauty of the temple and of personal revelation. You have to be focused to feel it.

I am so thankful for temples and for the experience that I had today with my family. I have a testimony of temple work and know that families are an eternal and sacred institution created and ordained of God. I know that our Heavenly Father knows each of us - that we are all of His children and He cares about us. He is aware of our struggles, successes and needs. I am so thankful for that knowledge.


Note: If you have questions about temples or other aspects of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, please do not hesitate to ask me or another friend of the LDS faith. I also invite you to visit the two links in the first paragraph of this post. http://www.mormon.org/ and https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng are also excellent resources. 

Over One Year Since my First PAO

It's crazy to think that it has actually been over a year since my fist PAO. I remember basically everything. I remember all of the medical things that happened, as well as the emotional process.

At a little over a year, the right hip gives me more trouble than the left, which has been recovering for the last seven months. I still have nerve damage that makes the outsides of my thighs numb. The cold weather is terrible and it makes my hips stiff. Imagine how gears work when they are exposed to the cold and are not well oiled. My hips work similarly. I don't have the strength or flexibility that I used to have, and there is a lot of pain associated with trying to regain that strength. Sometimes my hips give out - it feels the way it feels when knees buckle. Occasionally I still pull out my cane for a little support. Mostly though, I'm doing okay. I'm glad I had this surgery, as well as the second one.

When I found out that I had to have this surgery, I was so angry. I thought that it was destroying my life. It was killing my dreams. But honestly, it has proved to be an enormous blessing. My life has changed completely since these surgeries - my identity has changed, my perspective on people and life has changed, and my goals are much different than they were a year and a half ago. My body still feels broken, and sometimes that feels devastating. But my soul feels stronger. These surgeries produced a crazy year for me, but that year has been a time of great self-discovery and learning.

I remember when I was preparing for my first PAO. I was scared. I wasn't afraid of the surgery itself. I was afraid because there were so many unanswered questions that I had, and I couldn't find the answers anywhere. For the curious individual, I have several other posts that describe my experiences. For now though, here are a couple images.

My leg in a CPM after surgery

My incision (seven inches) four weeks after surgery
right after having the dressing removed!!