Am I the Ninth Leper or the Tenth?

The past couple of weeks I have been kind of down. I wrote an email to my mother, expressing my frustrations. These frustrations, which have been the result of several months, are frustrations I'm sure many people have felt. These frustrations, combined with much reflection, have been the result of some interesting realizations, that have helped me grow closer to my Savior and understand His life more fully. I have included a portion of my email to my mother in this blog to explain my frustrations:

"I hate that I give and give and give and allow people to use me. Over and over and over people ask for favors or I volunteer to help people, or fill the needs of others. Rarely do I even get a thank you. And even more rare is it that someone returns the favor. I cannot count the number of times I've been a shoulder to cry on, listened and given advice, helped with homework, prepared meals, given an egg or a cup of sugar, helped people move, let people borrow wrenches or screwdrivers or my vacuum or blender or tape or whatever else, times I've visited sick people, and on and on and on. And I love serving. I really do. It makes me more happy than almost anything else I do. But it's getting old, and because all of these relationships with people have such a low interest and return rate, I'm running low. ...How tired I am of people who only come around when they need something... I know that that 3am phone call or whatever is a huge compliment, but I hate how selfish people are. One friend I talked to about it said that it's just how people are - humans want convenience, and it's not intentional. He's right. But that doesn't make it okay. What has happened to society that everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see past the ends of their noses? That people take and take and take and never give back. I think I'm too nice. I keep getting used. But at the same time, how can I not give? I know what it feels like to be sick. I know what it's like to be lonely. I know what it's like to be in so much pain that you wish you were dead. I know how it feels when there is no one to talk to...or when you just don't have money for groceries, and so you live on a packet of oatmeal and half a can of soup. And because I know what those things feel like, how can I sit idly by and let others feel that way? 

Last fall, a guy came up to me at church and wanted to know how I was doing. He said, "On Thursday I was thinking about stopping by, but I figured you'd be busy, and didn't really have a reason to come by, so I didn't." I wanted to slap him. The day he mentioned had been a particularly bad day. I wanted to yell, "That was a spiritual impression. It was revelation, you idiot. I prayed and prayed and prayed that someone would knock on the door. I had a horrible night. And you were prompted and didn't listen." I don't want to be that person. So I keep giving and helping. There has to be a balance somewhere though. Because I'm giving and giving, and it makes me feel good, but at the same time, I'm starting to feel emotionally exhausted. 

I'm understanding how lonely the Savior must have felt. He did everything for everyone. But how often did someone do something for him? Where in the scriptures are records of someone voluntarily serving him? His mother and Joseph loved him - they looked for Him when He was in the temple and missing from them, and that's an act of service. A leper once thanked Him. Martha and Mary cooked for him once or twice, I'm sure. But really, when did someone come to Him and take an initiative? Was He always the instigator? What a lonely life that is - to be so hated and so loved that you only exist when someone needs you. Because you are incredibly dependable and helpful. And yet, they don't see that maybe service is needed on the other side as well."

I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. And while it hurts to feel like I'm not wanted except in time of need, it has enhanced my understanding of the Savior and has helped me to feel closer to Him. I also feel the need to emphasize that I will not stop giving. I will continue to give as much as is in my power. Because like I said earlier, I know what it feels like to be in need, so how can I not give? How can I stand by and allow others to feel that way when there is something I could do to stop it?

I then realized, if the Savior, who has given me everything, who atoned and died for me, has felt alone and unwanted, how often have I done the same thing to Him? How often have I ignored Him, abandoned Him, and only used Him? How often have I been one of the nine lepers instead of the tenth? How many times has He rescued me when I have felt completely lost, alone and hopeless, and I didn't return the favor or even say thank you. And still, despite my selfishness and ingratitude, He continued to lift and carry me. He still granted me tender mercies. He has been a best friend to me when I have been a stranger to Him.

Mosiah 2:17 states that "when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." I am not a perfect person, but I can serve. That I can do. Service can feel lonely. We can feel like we're being used, aren't really wanted and are unappreciated, and that's normal. But serving God's children is one way that we can serve Him and express gratitude for all that He has done for us. So I don't know about you, but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep serving. Because I love Him, and I know that He loves all of His children. And He needs me. He needs all of us. He needs us to serve and take care of each other. We can be the tender mercies of those around us. We owe it to Him and to ourselves. I don't want to be the ninth leper anymore. I want to be the tenth. And because I am in control of my life, I can be.

I'm Not Going to Apologize for the Creation of Me!

Recently my friend Melissa wrote a post on her blog. She titled it "My Non-Apology Letter". You can read it here: http://ldslissa.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-non-apology-letter.html. She has some great thoughts that I think we can all apply to our lives. Today, I am partially responding to her post, and expanding on some of my own thoughts.

I believe that every day, we either create or destroy. A part of our genetic makeup and divine potential is our ability to create. Ultimately, it is our purpose on earth. We create homes, families, careers, titles, technology, methods for survival, entertainment, and a host of other things. Most importantly, we create ourselves. It's true. More than discovering ourselves, we create ourselves. Which brings me to a thought...surround yourself with people who accept you as you are!

A few months before my relationship with Richard began, I was interested in a young man. To be discreet, I'll call him Sam. We had been on a few dates, and I thought we really clicked. I felt very comfortable around Sam, and he seemed to be pretty comfortable around me. Our dates usually had a good balance of serious, deep discussion, and comical and amusing conversation. I thought there was a good chance that he was interested in me, and I was interested in him. And then he fell off the face of the earth. 

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks, and thought this was strange. Being friends with one of Sam's roommates, I asked him about it. His roommate told me that Sam was interested, but that he was also intimidated by me because I expressed myself very well, and was a pretty passionate person. He suggested that I try to be a little more...soft, for lack of a better word. I thought this was decent advice. Sometimes I come off as harsh when I only mean to be passionate and excited, and so I tried this, and asked Sam on another date. Come to find out, he had thought that I was older than he was (and consequently five years older than I actually am), and that too had intimidated him. Our date went very well. He held my hand and was a perfect gentleman and I was pretty ladylike. 

Before I continue, let it be understood that Sam is a really kind, fun, wonderful person. He wasn't controlling or critical or requiring me to change. We just didn't fit, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Richard and I started dating, and one day, out of the blue he said, "You know what my favorite thing about you is?

"No, what?"

"You're terrifying."

Usually being called terrifying is not a compliment. But he meant it to be, and this peaked my curiosity so I asked him to explain.

"I never know what you're going to do. You terrify me.
You're incredibly unpredictable and it's so exciting. I love that I never know what you're going to do. It's fun. You keep me guessing."

Richard accepts me as I am, and he always has. 

I have other friends who accept me as I am too, which is a huge blessing. The point is, because we create ourselves, we should take enough pride in ourselves to be confident in who we are, and don't need to change just because we want to "fit" with another person or a group of people. As we create ourselves, it is important that we create someone that we are proud of, and that we surround ourselves with people who think we're worth time and effort. These social interactions make us happier, boost our confidence, and encourage us to be better, instead of pressuring us to change. While we can always improve ourselves, and the people around us can help us do so, feeling pressured to change, or feeling that we have to apologize for being who we are can poison our spirits and prevent us from creating ourselves.

So, like my dear friend Melissa, I'm going to not apologize for being who I am. Because while I'm not perfect, I am pretty great. And I am worth a lot. Let me tell you who I am. I am a passionate, energetic young woman. I am innovative, perceptive and insightful. I love to learn new things. I am very excited to be a mom...whenever that day comes. I am deeply afraid of being used and betrayed, but I will give someone in need everything I can. Helping people fills the emptiness in my life and makes me incredibly happy. I am not afraid of emotions, and I am a lady. I expect to be treated as a lady. I love classic films. I love music. I love to dance. And I love to laugh. In many ways, I'm like a five year old kid. I love ice cream and grass and the sky and making cookies and dancing in the rain.  

Mostly though, I'm a girl who is doing the best she can. I'm a daughter of my Heavenly Father. And I'm proud of all of it.