A Journey

A little over a year and a half ago, I learned that I had to have my hips operated on. I can remember how I felt. I had seen four or five specialists in several months prior, had had multiple X-rays, and MRI arthrogram, physical therapy, and a number of other treatments and attempts at providing me relief and a solution. I remember how devastated I felt when I found out that I had to have two PAOs. I was so confused. But I have learned and grown tremendously over the last eighteen months. My life has been richly blessed and my perspective broadened. I still feel pain sometimes, and when I've done too much, I walk with a limp. The last year has been long and painful, but if given the chance, I wouldn't let anyone take it from me. This trial changed my life.

I recently made a list of everything I learned in the past year. I found forty-three general things. If I were to break all of them down, I would probably hold the record for the longest blog post, and I don't think anyone honestly really wants to read that.

I am so thankful for all of the experiences I had and for who I have become and am continuing to become because of my experiences. It's funny what becoming helpless will teach you if you let it.

Here's the most important thing:
I have not discovered myself. I have created myself. And despite all of my remaining imperfections, I'm pretty happy with the process so far. I am so excited to see what the rest of my future will bring and how I will continue to create myself as I choose to learn and grow and let others into my life. Life is so indescribably beautiful and I am so thankful for the trials I have had. They have proven to be incredible opportunities and thinking about everything I have gained fills my heart greatly.

I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows me and exactly what I need to create myself and become the person that I am meant to be. I am thankful that He allows me to experience hard things, and that His guiding hand is in every aspect of my life to help me achieve and conquer.

This journey has been a long one, and it certainly has not been easy. But it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

PAO Animation

I found this animated version of my surgery, which helps to explain things so much better! There are ten short parts to the animation, and each is about one minute. If you don't have ten minutes, parts 4-6 give you a pretty decent idea. Keep in mind however, that this version of the surgery is more advanced. It mentions putting wire into your hips and 2-3 screws. In mine, I have four screws as well.

 To view the video, just click the link below.

http://www.hss.edu/animation-PAO-periacetabular-osteotomy.htm

Thoughts on "Last Train to Nibroc": Bravery

Last evening, I did something very brave. It may not sound like much, but for me it was. I don't like to go to things alone because of the anxiety it gives me. I mean sure, I can go to a grocery store or buy a pair of jeans by myself. I don't get nervous when I go in for a job interview, or when I have to make a presentation in a class. But being alone in a crowd is terrifying for me.

I had a friend in the cast, Tyler Hatch. He invited me to go, and I was hesitant. Because I used to perform all the time, I know how great it feels to know that there are people in the audience who are there to support you. And so I wanted to go and be a supportive friend. But I didn't want to go alone. I asked a several people if they would go with me, but didn't have a lot of luck. So I decided that I wasn't going to go. But Tyler is very persuasive when he wants to be, and convinced me to come anyway.

image taken from: http://arts.byu.edu/events/last-train-to-nibroc-2-1/

I walked into the Nelke Theatre pretty early so that I could sit where I wanted to and try to avoid people. I sat there, and as more and more people started to file in, my heart rate picked up. I began to sweat and my hands started to shake. I wondered why I was even there, trying to be "normal", allowing my body to react this way. I began to feel frustrated with myself. "You knew you couldn't handle it, but you came anyway. Why would you do that to yourself? You aren't strong enough." I almost started to cry. The other half of my argued, "I'm trying really hard here. Keep it together. I know this is a risk for me. But I'm trying." Finally, the play started and I was able to focus on that instead.

The performance was phenomenal. Tyler Hatch and his counterpart did an excellent job - everyone did. I was very impressed. The performance was engaging and dynamic. Sometimes it was even hard to watch because of the emotional tension. I do not say that to be disparaging. Because it's actually a compliment. It was honest. And as a society I don't think we are accustomed to such open honesty.

Last Train to Nibroc contained an interesting motif that especially spoke to me: bravery. The two characters talk about bravery - what it means to be brave - in a lengthy conversation, and then refer to it later. Their actions pattern the results of that conversation. This hit me especially hard because of the situation I found myself in. They talked about how little things can be seen as bravery. Things like going somewhere to find or do something. And in a way, that was me. I was being brave in being there - even though I was shaking and panicky. I was being brave. And that motif helped me through the rest of the show, and has since been the cause of much reflection.

I think what I took from this play, was that there are sometimes opportunities right under our noses. People, places and things present themselves in strange ways that aren't expected. And those people and places and things could change our lives if we would let them. But to let them, we have to take risks. We have to be brave and take a risk and do something about it, even if it might cost us. Because even though there is hurt on the way, there is a chance that there will be incredible joy on the other side. And that chance is worth the risk.