As it turns out, I am unable to sleep tonight...well, it's morning now. I usually stay up until one or so, but months of not going to sleep until sometime between one and five in the morning gets exhausting pretty quickly. (I haven't slept well since surgery.) Anyway, my sleep pattern is all screwed up, and while I would like to sleep, I am unable to. I think it's because there is a lot going on inside of my head right now.
One of the things I keep thinking about is that sometimes it's easier to be strong when there is someone to be strong for, and when it isn't just for yourself. When you have to be strong to help a person you love, and to keep them going, it's easier. When you're helping others rise, it's easy to be strong. There is a reason to be strong - someone to be strong for. It's as if while making everything okay for that person, you are making things okay for yourself.
And this is really a beautiful thing. The problem is, sometimes you're left alone with your thoughts and there is no one to strengthen, and so you find yourself weak. Or maybe it's not weak. Maybe it's just that you don't feel as strong as you would like to be.
Yes, it's short. And to some it may be pointless. But I've gotten some thoughts out of my head and written down, and that, if nothing else, feels good. Sometimes people just need to get things onto paper. It makes things seem clearer. It can be calming. ...and now I'm rambling. Well, that's my thought for the evening....morning...for now.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Post-Op Results
It has been just over seven weeks since my first PAO. I had my six week post-op in Salt Lake City, Utah a week ago. I no longer use the walker, but am now required to use a cane for the next 2-4 weeks. I am still in pain a lot. The amount of pain has decreased and at this point, is basically equivalent to what it was before surgery. The pain is expected to subside and be completely gone by April.
There is some nerve damage, and because of it my thigh feels numb - the way it would if I were on Novocaine. The doctor said that this most likely isn't permanant but that it will probably be several months before the nerve heals and the numbness goes away.
I am still weak. Because of my dance training, I have very muscular legs. They're pretty solid. But the muscle atrophy has made my left leg considerably smaller than the right. My range of motion is no where near what it used to be, and my hip still pops quite a bit. I still get tired easily and without the cane I walk with a slight-moderate limp. Sometimes I can't support my weight very well, and honestly, that's just a little bit scary. I have fallen a couple of times.
At my post-op, more X-rays were taken to look at how my hip was healing. I hadn't gotten to see X-rays while I was in the hospital, and so it was my first time seeing what my hip looked like because of my PAO. There is a very thin, long gap from the base of the left hip, which makes a sagital cut up, almost entirely through it. The top of the cut looks fuzzy in the X-ray because the bone is healing and beginning to regenerate. There are four screws in my hips, the longest ones being 10 cm in length.
My range of motion is nowhere near where I would like it to be. Everyone keeps telling me that I will be able to dance eventually, but honestly, I can only extend my leg to about 45 degrees, as opposed to 190 degrees, which is really frustrating. I'm sure that in time I could get that range of motion back, but that's 145 degrees to make up for, and I feel my bones stopping me every time I try to increase that range of motion.
Many people keep telling me that I'm being negative in thinking I won't ever be able to dance the way I used to. And here's the thing: I'm right. Maybe I'll be able to dance phenominally again. Maybe I do get my range of motion back. But my body will never work the way that it used to. Because it's not the same anymore. It will never work the same, even if it works well. I will have to get used to everything again. I will have to retrain my body. My brain and muscles remember how to work and what to do. But after not dancing for so long, they lose their technique. They get lazy and sloppy. They forget how to work correctly. I can't help but feel that that part of my life is over. Truth is, I just don't want to get my hopes up. That way, I won't be disappointed if I'm unable to continue dancing, and I will be very pleased if I am able to. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being realistic. It's easier to deal with disappointment.
And here's the other thing: I understand that whatever happens is supposed to happen. Maybe I'm not supposed to keep dancing. That sentence just about kills me, but maybe it's true. About a year and a half ago, I felt very strongly that I wasn't supposed to major in dance. I felt very strongly, and received spiritual impressions that I have many other talents that I am unaware of and need to discover and develop and that the Lord has something else in mind for me. I have no idea what that something else is. Whatever it is, I'll find it. And I trust that I will find something to fill the empty space inside of me that dance used to fill.
There is some nerve damage, and because of it my thigh feels numb - the way it would if I were on Novocaine. The doctor said that this most likely isn't permanant but that it will probably be several months before the nerve heals and the numbness goes away.
I am still weak. Because of my dance training, I have very muscular legs. They're pretty solid. But the muscle atrophy has made my left leg considerably smaller than the right. My range of motion is no where near what it used to be, and my hip still pops quite a bit. I still get tired easily and without the cane I walk with a slight-moderate limp. Sometimes I can't support my weight very well, and honestly, that's just a little bit scary. I have fallen a couple of times.
At my post-op, more X-rays were taken to look at how my hip was healing. I hadn't gotten to see X-rays while I was in the hospital, and so it was my first time seeing what my hip looked like because of my PAO. There is a very thin, long gap from the base of the left hip, which makes a sagital cut up, almost entirely through it. The top of the cut looks fuzzy in the X-ray because the bone is healing and beginning to regenerate. There are four screws in my hips, the longest ones being 10 cm in length.
My range of motion is nowhere near where I would like it to be. Everyone keeps telling me that I will be able to dance eventually, but honestly, I can only extend my leg to about 45 degrees, as opposed to 190 degrees, which is really frustrating. I'm sure that in time I could get that range of motion back, but that's 145 degrees to make up for, and I feel my bones stopping me every time I try to increase that range of motion.
Many people keep telling me that I'm being negative in thinking I won't ever be able to dance the way I used to. And here's the thing: I'm right. Maybe I'll be able to dance phenominally again. Maybe I do get my range of motion back. But my body will never work the way that it used to. Because it's not the same anymore. It will never work the same, even if it works well. I will have to get used to everything again. I will have to retrain my body. My brain and muscles remember how to work and what to do. But after not dancing for so long, they lose their technique. They get lazy and sloppy. They forget how to work correctly. I can't help but feel that that part of my life is over. Truth is, I just don't want to get my hopes up. That way, I won't be disappointed if I'm unable to continue dancing, and I will be very pleased if I am able to. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being realistic. It's easier to deal with disappointment.
And here's the other thing: I understand that whatever happens is supposed to happen. Maybe I'm not supposed to keep dancing. That sentence just about kills me, but maybe it's true. About a year and a half ago, I felt very strongly that I wasn't supposed to major in dance. I felt very strongly, and received spiritual impressions that I have many other talents that I am unaware of and need to discover and develop and that the Lord has something else in mind for me. I have no idea what that something else is. Whatever it is, I'll find it. And I trust that I will find something to fill the empty space inside of me that dance used to fill.
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